written by Roz Andrews
Do you remember the person that you were before you had children? Was he or she much different from the person that you are today? If the answer to the second question is “yes,” perhaps you have become too caught up in the task of parenting and lost sight of your individuality.
Some parents are focused on their children to the extent that they lose their own identity. They neglect themselves so much that they cease to regard themselves as an individual and the person that they used to be becomes lost. This is not a healthy way to live and can lead to anxiety, depression and other difficulties.
Parenthood is the most demanding job there is and it can be very hard to find time to meet your own physical and emotional needs, especially if you work outside the home and have more than one child. However, it is very important that you set aside some time to meet your own needs, if you are to remain a happy and successful parent.
You should not feel guilty about taking time out for yourself if you are a parent. In fact, the reverse should be true – you should be alert to the fact that making no time at all for yourself, your partner, your interests and your friends can adversely affect your ability to parent your children.
Try to find a balance between spending time with your partner (if you have one) without your children, spending time with your friends (without your partner), and spending time alone pursuing solitary interests. Try to incorporate at least one form of exercise into your weekly routine, whether it is going to a dance lesson with your partner, running with a friend, or a gym session by yourself.
After taking time out to pursue your own interests and enjoy adult company, you will feel refreshed when you come back to the task of parenting. You will have more patience and your personal satisfaction will be transmitted to your children. Your short temper should have disappeared, and your children will benefit from a more relaxed environment.
If you do not make adequate time for yourself, you may be irritable with your children or feel tired or depressed, both of which can adversely affect your ability to be a good parent. If you continue to neglect yourself, you run the risk of developing burnout syndrome in the longer term.
If your children see that you are a happy, healthy and well-rounded individual who regards his or her own self-development as important, they too will learn how to develop a balanced personality and they will grow into adults with a high level of self-esteem.
If, however, children live with tired, depressed and burnt-out parents, they run the risk of adopting similar characteristics that may affect them for the rest of their lives.
So, no matter how full your diary already is, schedule some “me-time” each week. Not only will you benefit, but your partner and children will thank you for it.
on November 2, 2009 · in topics Parenting
Recent findings show that nearly 40% of marriages in the United States end in divorce or annulment. According to the National Center for Health Statistics (CDC.gov/nchs/), while there were 2.2 million marriages in 2007, 856,000 couples divorced or had their marriage annulled. There are many different reasons why someone decides to divorce his or her spouse, the most common of which are adultery and money problems. Ironically, many of these marriages may have been saved by keeping the fire burning in the relationship.
Once that fire dies out it becomes very difficult, and oftentimes impossible, to rekindle. That is why couples need to work hard at keeping the fire burning in their marriage right from the beginning. Most newlyweds and new couples have no problem with this since they are still at the stage of discovering each other in the romantic sense. But as the years go by and the babies arrive, many couples start to spend less and less alone time together, putting more of their attention on raising a family and having a career. Of course, family and work are important but it is crucial that couples continue to spend romantic time together as often as they can. Even if they are both very busy at work and at home, there are small things that a couple can do to express their love — holding hands, kissing or cuddling, and talking about each other’s day.
Couples can and should still go out on dates even if they have children. This is a very significant part of keeping the fire alive and burning in a relationship. A couple needs to spend some away time from the kids. Doing so does not mean they love their children less. Ask couples who have been happily married for many years what their secret is to having been married a long time and one of their answers would be probably be having a regular date night. Going out on a date need not always mean a candlelit dinner with wine and violin music, although that is a nice occasional treat. It can be a simple movie and dinner date, or something as goofy as going to the carnival and eating cotton candy. It doesn’t really matter what couples do as long as they enjoy each other.
Another great way couples can keep the fire burning in their marriage is to compromise. It is important for a husband and wife to remember that they are different from each other, and it is because of this that the relationship clicked in the first place. Couples need to realize that each one has something to offer to his or her spouse. And by compromising they can grow and develop both as individuals and as a couple. Couples also need to realize it won’t always be easy to keep the romantic fire alive in their marriage. There are going to be times when they need to exert more effort than usual, especially when problems with the children, work, or money arise and the arguments become more and more frequent. The trick is to not let the arguments blow out of proportion. Couples need to learn to take some time to cool down and talk to each other in a loving and constructive way.
Finally, couples should try to do something new together every once in a while. Falling into a comfortable routine is one of the surest ways to put out the fire in a relationship. By infusing a little bit of excitement and variety into the marriage, couples can expect the romance, and more importantly the marriage, to last much longer.
on October 26, 2009 · in topics Marriage
Achieving a goal is difficult enough if it is not mapped out, but it is more difficult still if it is not real enough. Successful people make their goals real through emotion. They involve their senses. They create images and pictures of success and accomplishment. It’s those pictures that supply them with the incentive to stay the course until they’ve accomplished what they set out to do.
If you have any hope of reaching your goals you must involve your senses. They can be a powerful tool, motivating you and creating the self-discipline you need.
One of the best methods to create your vision is to write a vision statement in a journal or diary. This process takes time, but is well worth the effort. You should write with conviction. Write as if you were creating a picture. For example, if your dream is to lose weight, you should write down how you will feel once you’ve shed those pounds. Use your imagination and picture that future slim you as you gaze at it in your mirror. See yourself fitting into those old clothes you used to wear. Hear the accolades of your friends as they comment on your appearance at the office and social events. Imagine how good food will taste and smell.
You should put into your vision statement all the advantages of losing those pounds like avoiding diabetes and heart disease. Include things like how much money you will save when you eat out less often and avoid the fast food joints. Use your imagination and list all those rewards and advantages you can think of. Then write down the disadvantages and compare the two lists.
Once you’ve written down your vision, include some photographs or illustrations of those people you admire who have achieved what you hope to accomplish. Cut out those photos and put them into your journal or scrapbook. Write out positive statements to yourself and post them throughout the house wherever you can see them. This technique works well no matter what your goal may be.
Fill in the details of the steps you need to take to reach your goal. Include those items that hold you back. If weight loss is what you’re after, you may want to take cooking classes to learn how to cook nutritious and low calorie foods. Put down the nutritionists and dietitians you need to work with to help you lose weight. Include the clubs, associations and support groups that can assist you.
Get involved with those friends and associations that have the same goals in mind. Companionship and company help to build a sensory rich experience. They make your goal both real and achievable.
Constantly read your vision statement every day. What you want to do is internalize it. You want to instruct your subconscious that you will achieve the goals you set. And the only way to do it is through constant repetition and practice. Once you’ve internalized your goals, your subconscious will go to work to open up possibilities. It becomes easier to achieve when you believe in your goals.
Never give up. Perseverance is a major key to success in any endeavor. There will always be times when you will want to give up. Setbacks and failures will happen, but they should never deter you from achieving your goal. Only a strong vision filled with emotion will help carry you through those difficult periods. Remind yourself that you are not perfect and it is okay to expect some setbacks. Nothing worthwhile ever comes without effort and many failures.
Creating a sensory rich vision will help you develop self-discipline. It’s a key ingredient that determines how successful your outcome will be. So involve your senses and your emotions as you work toward your goal.
on October 22, 2009 · in topics Improvement
